very scary?

I know you've been tearing your hair out over my absense this past week. Please forgive me. You see, I am now working with some regularity - a phenomenon that has me just as confused as it does you.

I am working as an editor at a publishing company. Which is cool in and of itself, but just between you and me, I've a feeling that the company isn't a good fit. It's a temporary assignment anyway, but I don't think I'm going to last even to the end of the project. People there just don't seem happy. They're not... excited. About anything. You know? That just sucks. It's actually draining a lot of energy out of me. I hope to be back on track soon.

One thing I do hope to be writing about is Halloween weekend, which draws ever nearer. I haven't even gotten one thing, however, for my costume as of yet. I'm going to be the Corpse Bride, or at least I was going to be... we'll see if I find the necessary materials in the next couple days. If I don't, my heart will not go on. I just know it won't.

As many will tell you, I am not easily satisfied.

justice for one and zombie eyes

I was feeling just a tiny bit blue today, and then I saw this headline:

Arrest Warrant Issued for DeLay

Then I found my smile again.

In other news, we've got some truly fall-like weather happening here in the Cruz. It feels really good. I had hot chocolate this morning. We have a little pumpkin on our coffee table. I meant to do a summer re-cap entry, but is it a little late now for that? Darn near Halloween! Ohh, Halloween, how I have waited for you..

And tonight we're going to watch Lost!! I have never been so into a tv show. Ever. Lorie just happened to get me a dvd from the first season a couple weeks back when I wasn't feeling well, and I immediately fell in love. Now I'm gobbling up every Lost morsel I can get my hands on. The writing is so good, the characters are finely drawn, and the acting and directing are great. I'm perfectly aware of how the writers of this show are manipulating us; they deliberately confuse you and show you just enough to keep you coming back for more. The melodramatic music and the pregnant pauses, the references to supernatural forces and the "mysterious" looks on the actors' faces. It seems they have found a way to turn a teleplay into liquid heroin. But I don't care. Manipulate me, J.J. Abrams! I am yours! Twist me into your zombie-eyed tv-watching monkey! It's fine! Just tell me what the hell is going on with Desmond!

We have the two latest eps to watch tonight. It's a good thing.

she needs the discipline

America I've given you all and now I'm nothing.
 America two dollars and twentyseven cents January
      17, 1956.
 I can't stand my own mind.
 America when will we end the human war?
 Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb.
 I don't feel good don't bother me.
 I won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
 America when will you be angelic?
 When will you take off your clothes?
 When will you look at yourself through the grave?
 When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?
 America why are your libraries full of tears?
 America when will you send your eggs to India?

From America by Allen Ginsberg

jenna

Imagine this face looking up at you and exclaiming with all the emphasis it can muster: "Huggie Auntie Huggie Auntie Huggie Auntie Huggie Auntie?"

Huggie.

This is what my niece says when she wants you to pick her up. And when she wants you to follow her somewhere, well, no words are needed. She uses her whole hand to grab your pinky and she pulls you in whichever direction you need to be moving. It's very simple, and very effective.



















Sometimes, out of nowhere, she says, "Sick, dude." She apparently picked this up from her father, who says this when he changes her diaper. I was able to teach her how to say a lot of other new things too. She retains everything.



















Alas, I let her have the finger puppets to take home. She needed them more than I did. Plus they were having a lot more fun with her anyway. They went night-night and they woke up and they went to parties and went night-night again, all in about five minutes. I couldn't deny the finger puppets that kind of life.



















In summary, Jenna is an incredibly cute and smart and special girl. She tugs at my heartstrings and wraps me around her finger and all of the other cliches. Jenna really likes life, and vegetables, and her blankie. Also, her birthday is on Halloween and that rules. Jenna is a girl with a great life ahead of her.

lorie's birthday

Now, you remember the faery party. Well there were several pictures from that party that I did not post for fear of retribution. At one point that night Janus found herself on the floor and used me to pull herself up (long story). You can see the picture on the left below; I figured it'd be ok to post the PG version. Well at Lorie's party the other night, we spoke of that famous event, and Janus, being the trooper that she is, agreed to reenact it, which you'll see in the picture on the right. Just when I thought Janus couldn't get any cooler...














The reenactment is also the most kick-ass thing ever because Eug's cat, Simba, just randomly walked into the room and stood right in front of the camera. When the picture was over, he turned around and walked out just as nonchalantly. Wtf???



















Anyway. It's pretty cool that Lorie has a new girlfriend and that she is a fabulous woman. Also she got some pretty good presents and got to see some of her favorite people. All in all, I think Lorie had a pretty good birthday.

quotes from friends

"I have an overly optimistic number of condoms at my house."

"They don't have Snoop Dogg, but there's no line..."

the finger puppets

While digging around in some stuff yesterday, I came to the realization that I have not one, not two, or even three, but FOUR giraffe finger puppets. All given to me at different times by different people. I guess I really am known as the giraffe girl.

Aw, look how cute everybody is...














Someone's been indulging in the guac....














It's a party!




























I am so Anne Geddes right now! (Never thought I'd have occasion to say that.)

the big protest

So we went to the big protest in the city. Support for the Iraq occupation and for this administration is at an all-time low, so I felt certain this would be the biggest since 2003. I was right. There were about 7,000 of us back in April of this year. This past weekend? 55,000.





This is just for the city of San Francisco, of course. There were dozens of protests around the world. And the main one, around the White House, drew 300,000. Could it be that people are starting to give a damn once again?


If you look closely in the picture below, you can see the sea of people stretching quite far. We couldn't see the beginning nor the end of the march.



















These people were the best. This guy on the left was a sinister representative of big politics and oil companies. He had Lady Liberty bound and gagged.


















Even Gandhi came out for the event...

the faery party

This party that we attended over the weekend is difficult to describe, but I did manage to get a few pictures. It should be noted that these pics in no way do justice to the breadth and scope of the party. It was intense. There was a cranberry vodka fountain for chrissake, and there were so many fantastic costumes that I didn't capture. I would also just like to note that Charlie and his party planners RULE and that putting the concepts of "vodka" and "fountain" together is a truly inspired undertaking that I admire greatly.

The thing was, you were supposed to dress up as a faery or some other mythical creature, but people took a lot of liberties and just basically wore crazy costumes.

To get to this party, which was sort of in the mountains, you went to a rendevous point and hitched a ride on this totally decadent (and free) shuttle. Champagne for the ride up the hill? Why not!

And, because no boozy car ride is complete without David Bowie, there was a showing of Labrynth for our entertainment.



Our wonderful host!
A dress made entirely of safety pins and key rings! The creator of which, may I add, completely rocks.

This guy was awesome, and clearly quite creative.

Who's cuter than Barrett? (Note the swing bolted to the ceiling in the middle of the living room.)

I wish I'd gotten more of the costumes and revelry, I was just too busy drinking the plentiful booze and hanging out with some of the most entertaining people I've been around in a while. In summary, the faery party was wild and fun, and many of the shenanigans that occurred won't be recounted here. Overall the night receives an A+.

greatest possible news

I'm going to have a nephew! He's arriving in late January!! They've got some great technology these days. You can see the baby so clearly now.

My niece Jenna is going to be in Northern Cali for the better part of October, so there'll probably be quite a few new pictures that you'll have to scroll through. I mean, come on.

Can you blame me?

the universe is conspiring for you

Went to a Rob Brezny reading last night, and man that guy is wacky good. The whole thing was basically one long poem/performance art piece. He is fun! I bought his new book, Pronoia Is The Antidote For Paranoia. It's full to the brim with different ways to wake yourself up and those around you. After the reading, I totally wanted to say, "Hey, I think my housemate is dating your sister." Which is true, but I thought that might seem kinda creepy so I kept my mouth shut. He asked us to write down what pained us on a piece of white paper and drop it in this big cauldron. He said he would go to the beach at a later time and burn them all. Then he asked us to write down on a yellow piece of paper how we might practice pronoia and then pin the pieces of paper to his lab coat! It was a funny sight. He wears the lab coat because he has this whole thing about being in the "Beauty and Truth Lab." He loves to dream up new ways of bringing positivity to people. But always with humor. One thing I loved is that he said that no one is immune to fundamentalism, including religious zealots AND hippies. This caused a bit of a stir in a room full of people wearing hemp headscarves and casually talking about their chakras. I so loved that! Not that I consider myself one of them, but we've got to be able to look and laugh at ourselves.

Just some things I noted from last night:

Do you realize you can actually listen a person's soul into existence? The teacher Richard Moss says, "The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention."

"If something is not beautiful, it can't be true." - John Keats

"Until you have loved, you cannot become yourself." - Emily Dickinson

There is a sour, puckered mass hallucination that is mistakenly called reality.

Beautiful truths are suspect; ugly truths are readily believed.

Write a love letter to the person you will be in one year. Outline in detail three great things you will accomplish in that time.

I'm not afraid of running out of love

You are your own guru, you hear your own pain. You save your own life, you are your own wife.

Just lots of happy-feel-good stuff. And why not? We don't celebrate enough. We don't point our fingers at the folly of this world and burst out laughing enough.

Another thing he touched on is something I've been thinking a lot about. In storytelling, we seem to think that devastation and corruption are the most interesting. So many of our dramas are based on that. It's true that conflict is what moves a story along, but conflict simply means confrontation, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Storytelling can be more interesting if we dig deeper and look at the growth that can come from conflict. I don't think that any of the plays I've written thus far are good enough to be produced, and it may be because I haven't delved into these aspects of conflict enough. My stories could be richer if I allow my characters to see both the light and dark sides of conflict, whether or not it includes resolution, and whether the confrontation is happening with the self, with loved ones, or with people they don't know.

Well, just some thoughts for today.

goodbye to grandma

I don't spend much time with my family. In fact I barely see them or talk to them. The relationships are so complicated I couldn't even get into it here, and you don't want to hear about the details anyway. But this weekend was very interesting, and eye-opening.

Man, saying a final goodbye to Grandma was hard. She was the most compassionate and loving Grandma ever. I never really knew her as a woman, just as Grandma, you know? But she provided such a safe and loving place for my brother and I to be, I will never be able to thank her enough for that.

The whole thing really got me to thinking about relationships. My great aunt Lorraine made a short speech in which she said that June, my Grandma, was not only the best sister-in-law ever, but a great friend. When it was her turn to drop a handful of dirt over grandma's urn, she said simply, "Goodbye June." This touched me more than I would have ever expected. The whole thing was so simple, and yet so true. Lorraine and June were friends for 55 years. My Grandpa and June were spouses and friends for over 60 years. Can you imagine?

The tombstone is a double, with room on one side for engraving when my Grandpa goes. At the bottom it says, "Side by side." When my Grandpa did his speech he said, "If you want to know where I'll be for eternity, I'll be right here. Side by side."

Then you had three of June's children there, expressing that she was the best mother anyone could have ever asked for. This was so profound to me. These are real relationships. And it really made me look at my life.

While extremely kind and gentle, I'd never seen my Grandpa break down and show any real emotion until that day. Look at the picture below: Is this not the cutest guy you've ever seen?? My Grandpa is the greatest. You could never meet a kinder soul.

We all had a big lunch afterward, and then retreated to my parents' house. I was having a lot of anxiety, but I tried to relax and take it all in. And hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute - I had trouble this summer keeping some daisies alive. Why then, I ask, can my mother do this? Especially when the climate she's in is much, much dryer?

Ugh. Also, I wish I had matured as much as my parents' backyard has.
So, I'm thinking that this pretty much sums up my mom. With her perfect yard and her perfect everything, this is her perfect half bathroom. If there is any kind of surface upon which to hang any sort of ribbons or silk flowers or doilies or any manner of lace, my mom will find a way to do it.
I was really glad toward the end of the evening when everyone wound down and we started playing some poker, which is an old tradition in my family. It really took the edge off of the day. Playing poker with old people RULES. They get so into it. We had so much fun.


I spent the money I had, and my dad totally kept giving me more dollars to play with. It's funny how my dad and I can have a couple beers and hang out, and pretend that everything is fine. We've pretty much always been able to do that. This time, I really appreciated that. I can't ever change my dad. He is who he is, with all his limitations. It might be a good idea to try and appreciate what good there is and let him worry about the rest of it. We'll never be my ideal of a good relationship, and he'll never be what most of us think of as a dad. Maybe it's time to just accept that. Why has it taken me all these years to figure that out?

This is one of my more colorful uncles. Check out the shirt. Yeah. This guy is crazy. He was born and largely raised in California, but always hated it. After the war, he headed out east. He found Minnesota and stayed there for the rest of his life. He loves it so much. We have a lot of family roots there, so he's been connected to a whole other faction of the family that I've barely known - the farmers. I asked him if he'd ever leave that area, and he said, "Never. I've got family bones buried in that soil. That means something. It matters to me." Being so non-family-oriented myself, this really struck me. The relationships he has are really important to him.

He's pretty jacked up though. Like so many others, he had some really fucked up experiences in Vietnam, and he's got some problems. There is such an irony in that shirt he's wearing, in this odd pride he still takes in being a Marine. But I guess that's part of the animal that the Marines is. He was homeless for a while, and in very poor health. But, to my surprise, he's developed a close relationship with his cousin Mena in Oregon (who was also there this weekend). Mena has helped him to get help from the VA and he's doing much better. He's realizing that even though his government fucked him over, they can help him now. He's now got a decent place to live and he's gearing up to write a book! He's wicked smart so I can't wait to see what he produces.

I had a good talk with Mena too. She's been single for like 15 years and her sons, while great guys, haven't exactly followed the family agenda. It seems I'm not the only one who sometimes feels like an outsider. We totally bonded! I'm getting her address and am going to write her a letter. I've always really liked her, but never expected her to suddenly open up to me in the middle of my parents' kitchen!

Relationships are sacred. You never know where they're going to pop up. They're complex and rarely easy. And they take a lot of care and maintenance. But look what you could end up with! A 55-year friendship or a 60-year partnership or a trans-generational connection that you can really learn from. I'm glad I went this weekend, and I'm glad I said some goodbyes and some hellos.

labor day weekend recap

So I stayed in town for the holiday weekend. Lots of tourists, but what are you gonna do - (in case you can't tell this woman's "edgy" skirt reads, "Democracy is not a spectator sport.")

Let's see, what did I do. Oh, party. Hangover. Party. Hangover. And some random goings on, like this drag show.

Also, I'm not sure how, but there ended up being an all-night marathon of Settlers of the Stone Age. This game fucking rules. It's a big commitment, it takes a long time to play. But clearly one of the greatest games ever.

One thing that kept us going was this nipple cup.



And so it is with fond memories of ceramic nipples and false eyelashes and bad fashion choices that I leave for what promises to be a very fun trip indeed. Over a year after her death, we will be burying my grandmother's ashes. For this occasion I will be seeing many relatives I haven't seen in a long time, including my mom's three brothers from Coeur d'Alene, Salt Lake City, and Minneapolis. They're all interesting for very different reasons. And seeing as I'm not on speaking terms with my dad, things should be very interesting. Yes. Wish me luck and I'll be back next week.

garbage at the catalyst

So Garbage put on a pretty darn good show - much better than I expected. I am not much of a fan of theirs, but it's clear they've been together for ten years. They walked that fine line of being professional but still knowing how to rock. And some of the lyrics are surprisingly good. Shirley Manson is every inch the rock star. She knows how to dress, how to connect with an audience, and how to spit. In that order. The Scottish accent and the obvious tendency to consume whiskey don't hurt either.

It was apparently an all-ages show. There was only a small pen for the drinkers. We should have brought some other drugs or something. I insisted on getting as drunk as possible before joining the masses. I wish I'd gotten a picture of Shirley's outfit, but I didn't bring my phone. By the way, never bring your phone when you're planning on doing any amount of drinking. I've reached this conclusion from methodical experimentation. Carrying a mobile phone while going out carries the following risks:

1. Drunk dailing
2. Someone will ask to use it and will fail to give it back
3. You'll leave it on top of the toilet in the bathroom, and it'll be gone fifteen minutes later when you actually need it to call a cab
4. There will be an incoming call which you really shouldn't answer but in your state you'll answer it anyway. This conversation will last either 30 seconds or 30 minutes, and either way it will be bad

Anyway, at the Blue afterward, there was a gorgeous band with a CELLO. Can I say how much I love that? Favorite instrument. I have no idea who they were but they were hip in that mellow, not-trying-too-hard way. Sitting at the bar, there was this fratty looking guy (drinking a HAMM'S for fuck's sake) who looked over and tried to have some convo.

Frat Guy: Where do you usually party?
Me: Excuse me?
FG: Do you usually party here?
Me: Uh, sometimes.
FG: Are you a lesbian?
Me: What?
FG: Are you a lesbian?
Me: Ok. We're done here.
FG: Why?
Me: We're done.
FG: But I don't...

And he stumbled off to parts unknown.

And that, my friends, was my Wednesday night.

call the governator!

If you live in California, now is the time for a little action on an historic event. Again from Equality California:

On Monday, September 6, 2005 the California Assembly voted 41 – 35 to pass AB 849, the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act, after the California Senate passed it the week before 21 -15. The bill now goes to Governor Schwarzenegger for his signature or veto. He has until October 6, 2005 to make a decision.

We need your help! Please take two minutes and call the Governor’s office and urge that he sign the marriage equality bill: (916) 445-2841.

Theoretically, Arnold is for gay rights and should sign the damn thing. Although that's logic speaking, not politics. At any rate, it's time for the tide to turn.

NEW POLL INDICATES GROWING SUPPORT AMONG LIKELY CALIFORNIA VOTERS FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY

Sacramento, CA -­ A new Public Policy Institute of California poll indicates that public opinion among likely California voters on whether same-sex couples should be allowed to marry is for the first time ever evenly split. The poll indicates that 46% of the electorate support marriage equality with an equal number opposed.

quote of the week

It's fun to be treated like an idol
For absolutely nothing at all

- Lawsuit

quotes from friends

"If people had lowered expectations when they met me, I think I'd have more friends."

"There's no doubt that I'll see you again soon. And there's no doubt I'll bitch about you again soon."

"He's a street urchin who needs my love."

"You have woken up in an alley before. Let's just be real."

"What kind of expensive operation do I have to get to get laid in this
town?"

"I saw her dancing on that pole, and I knew she'd be okay with my addictions. We got that out of the way right away."

"There are some things you just shouldn't have to say. Like, 'Hey, you really need to go down on me first.'"

forcing me

This wouldn't be my journal if I didn't mention Star Wars. I've seen Revenge of the Sith about six times now, three in the theater and three on dvd. Yes, the dvd comes out Nov 1, but thanks to Leta's trip to China, I gained access to a copy that is of decent quality. I've watched all the other Star Wars films on dvd at least twice in the last couple months. Yes, even Attack of the Clones. I saw some thing on tv where they were making fun of the Star Wars nerds, and they were walking out of the theater saying "Dude that was better than Empire!" Which is kinda sad because that's pretty much exactly what I said the first time I saw it. So much for originality. There is a caveat though - I think Revenge of the Sith is undoubtedly a better movie than The Empire Strikes Back, but it could never replace the latter in my affections. None of the current movies could ever have the moxie or the charm of the original three. I mean come on, Harrison Ford managed a good performance under Lucas' direction. That's moxie. Which is, again, a completely unoriginal thought.

At any rate, I loved this movie - the battles between Dooku and Anakin, Grievous and Obi-Wan. (Four fucking light sabers?!) Yoda versus the Emporer! Great political plot weaving (thank you Tom Stoppard). The touchy-feely stuff with Padme is laughable, but you come to expect that. What really matters here is the greatness of the story being told, and the philosophy behind it. (I could go on for hours about the metaphors around the evolution of the Jedi order and their ideas about love and attachment, but I won't.) And yes I admit I am reading the books. My imagination has been captured by this great story for most of my life. Also, and I can't stress this enough, if Hayden Christensen ever needs a pretend wife to cover up his gayness, I think I'd be a great candidate. The Dark Side is very sexy on him. He's perfectly smoldering and well aware of just how much ass he kicks. He could go off cruising all the hot young actors, and I could do my own thing. It'd work out great. But I would need an occassional bit of lovin'. And take off your shirt as much as possible, would you Hayden darling!

Sorry, I... went to the Bahamas there for just a second.
(Old Steve Martin joke.. never mind.)

quote of the week

"Ouch," I said.

I congratulated myself on having found the right word for the occasion.

- Steve Martin, The Pleasure of My Company

patriotica

I haven't made up any new words in a while, and I think it's high time. There is this thing that, while in existence for a long time, has really taken off in the last four years, and I think it should be given its due attention.

Yes, it's patriotica. Porn for patriots. It's soooo hot right now.

Mmmm.















Oh yeah. Keep it coming.












Yeah that's nice...
















Wow, it's so... bright and stimulating.






















YES!
















Oh that's good. Now give it to me real good, come on...















And I'm spent.