goodbye to grandma

I don't spend much time with my family. In fact I barely see them or talk to them. The relationships are so complicated I couldn't even get into it here, and you don't want to hear about the details anyway. But this weekend was very interesting, and eye-opening.

Man, saying a final goodbye to Grandma was hard. She was the most compassionate and loving Grandma ever. I never really knew her as a woman, just as Grandma, you know? But she provided such a safe and loving place for my brother and I to be, I will never be able to thank her enough for that.

The whole thing really got me to thinking about relationships. My great aunt Lorraine made a short speech in which she said that June, my Grandma, was not only the best sister-in-law ever, but a great friend. When it was her turn to drop a handful of dirt over grandma's urn, she said simply, "Goodbye June." This touched me more than I would have ever expected. The whole thing was so simple, and yet so true. Lorraine and June were friends for 55 years. My Grandpa and June were spouses and friends for over 60 years. Can you imagine?

The tombstone is a double, with room on one side for engraving when my Grandpa goes. At the bottom it says, "Side by side." When my Grandpa did his speech he said, "If you want to know where I'll be for eternity, I'll be right here. Side by side."

Then you had three of June's children there, expressing that she was the best mother anyone could have ever asked for. This was so profound to me. These are real relationships. And it really made me look at my life.

While extremely kind and gentle, I'd never seen my Grandpa break down and show any real emotion until that day. Look at the picture below: Is this not the cutest guy you've ever seen?? My Grandpa is the greatest. You could never meet a kinder soul.

We all had a big lunch afterward, and then retreated to my parents' house. I was having a lot of anxiety, but I tried to relax and take it all in. And hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute - I had trouble this summer keeping some daisies alive. Why then, I ask, can my mother do this? Especially when the climate she's in is much, much dryer?

Ugh. Also, I wish I had matured as much as my parents' backyard has.
So, I'm thinking that this pretty much sums up my mom. With her perfect yard and her perfect everything, this is her perfect half bathroom. If there is any kind of surface upon which to hang any sort of ribbons or silk flowers or doilies or any manner of lace, my mom will find a way to do it.
I was really glad toward the end of the evening when everyone wound down and we started playing some poker, which is an old tradition in my family. It really took the edge off of the day. Playing poker with old people RULES. They get so into it. We had so much fun.


I spent the money I had, and my dad totally kept giving me more dollars to play with. It's funny how my dad and I can have a couple beers and hang out, and pretend that everything is fine. We've pretty much always been able to do that. This time, I really appreciated that. I can't ever change my dad. He is who he is, with all his limitations. It might be a good idea to try and appreciate what good there is and let him worry about the rest of it. We'll never be my ideal of a good relationship, and he'll never be what most of us think of as a dad. Maybe it's time to just accept that. Why has it taken me all these years to figure that out?

This is one of my more colorful uncles. Check out the shirt. Yeah. This guy is crazy. He was born and largely raised in California, but always hated it. After the war, he headed out east. He found Minnesota and stayed there for the rest of his life. He loves it so much. We have a lot of family roots there, so he's been connected to a whole other faction of the family that I've barely known - the farmers. I asked him if he'd ever leave that area, and he said, "Never. I've got family bones buried in that soil. That means something. It matters to me." Being so non-family-oriented myself, this really struck me. The relationships he has are really important to him.

He's pretty jacked up though. Like so many others, he had some really fucked up experiences in Vietnam, and he's got some problems. There is such an irony in that shirt he's wearing, in this odd pride he still takes in being a Marine. But I guess that's part of the animal that the Marines is. He was homeless for a while, and in very poor health. But, to my surprise, he's developed a close relationship with his cousin Mena in Oregon (who was also there this weekend). Mena has helped him to get help from the VA and he's doing much better. He's realizing that even though his government fucked him over, they can help him now. He's now got a decent place to live and he's gearing up to write a book! He's wicked smart so I can't wait to see what he produces.

I had a good talk with Mena too. She's been single for like 15 years and her sons, while great guys, haven't exactly followed the family agenda. It seems I'm not the only one who sometimes feels like an outsider. We totally bonded! I'm getting her address and am going to write her a letter. I've always really liked her, but never expected her to suddenly open up to me in the middle of my parents' kitchen!

Relationships are sacred. You never know where they're going to pop up. They're complex and rarely easy. And they take a lot of care and maintenance. But look what you could end up with! A 55-year friendship or a 60-year partnership or a trans-generational connection that you can really learn from. I'm glad I went this weekend, and I'm glad I said some goodbyes and some hellos.