painfully routine

a young man was killed in a car bomb outside a hotel in Baghdad this week, an event NPR called "painfully routine" for dwellers of this city. indeed atrocities like these happen almost daily in a city little more than nine miles long and across. we have seen the coffins and raised fists.

to mourn this particular young man's death, his family set up a tent outside their home in the street as a memorial for him. family, friends and neighbors came to the tent to kiss and hug and cry and scream.

they set up a tent. in front of their house.

i imagine the parents of a slain U.S. soldier setting up a white tent on their suburban street. i imagine neighbors coming out of their deadbolted houses, getting out of their tinted SUV's and coming over. i imagine a blown up portrait of the son, young and hopeful, propped up on a folding table. i imagine "distant" family coming from across town, from across the country. i imagine loud and sad music playing. i imagine the people grasping and clawing at each other, kissing and holding each other up. the men weeping and screaming and holding each other's faces. the anger and injustice being poured out, swam in, stirred up, made into rain. eye contact. no hesitation before expression. then the question. the real question that comes from real anguish.

the demanding, seeking, motivating, undeniable: why?

At the drugstore today:
Little Kid: "Mommy, I want to run away."
Mommy: "Well honey, sometimes I do too."

I want to run away, but only if it will make me feel different.

I want to run away, but I want those I dearly love to know that I'm not running from them.

I want to run away, but I want to feel at home wherever I end up.

I want to run away, but I want my cats to stay with me.

I want to run away, but I want to open myself to the beautiful people in my life who have been knocking on my door for ages trying to see me.

I want to run away, but I want to be here and be present and be myself and be the person who is frolicking around deep inside of me.

I don't want to run away.